Small town, home town sleep in when its cold and the sun is up and out cant quite cut the winter but your quilts protect you with the smell of the closet and detergent - the kind your mother still buys. You look to your left, towards the window at the sun and you see your half-glass of water with a top shell of ice. you look towards the right and see the back of your eyelids as you pull the quilts up, tucking them under your shoulder and stretching out your legs to feel the wood of the foot board as you smell the hair strewn across the pillow next to you. You slide back into sleep thinking about yesterday's rain while you cleared the garage - up in the rafters, pulling down boxes of Christmas ornaments and busted up chairs - so close you can hear it pounding through the shingles inches from your ear. Animals stir and bells ring out lightly enough to guide your dreams. The smell of bacon and eggs makes you taste orange pulp on your lips. The sky is clear. The tree goes up today.
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3 comments:
i really like the rhythm you use in your writing, jared!
080110 11:37 "The Tree Goes Up Today"
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What tree? Aside from the same grammatical inconsistencies and comma splices, I'm drawn into the feeling of nostalgia and the comfort of a home in which I've up and grown. The whole idea of the "one act play" or one (few) paragraph story is to not only be condensed but also thorough. This story could be cut into two or three small parts and elaborated to give the reader at least some idea of what exactly is happening. Some very successful authors - Faulkner or Poe for example - play on a key phrase, idea, or term. You're attempting to make "The tree goes up today" an integral part, but it just doesn't fit and makes no sense.
(All negatives aside, your writing shows polish and dedication. I'm offering up swift critique, because it always helps me with photography.)
i love this one. not at all because it is the shortest (i have in fact read them all), but because it is written in the second person and i can actually relate to it. and i think everyone can. i'm just really happen when i'm reading it.
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